Her name is Baby, she was my sweetie

After many years of love and friendship my sweet Baby has gone home to heaven. She was 20 years old and very dear to me. My heart is broken! She has been having health issues for some time but it has been manageable. Yesterday I noticed that she couldn't walk normally ... she kept falling off the bed ... I put her on the floor and she was dragging her back legs. After a long night ... (she was miserable) I called the West Jordan Animal clinic and made an appointment. She apparently had a stroke and due to her age, the best thing to do was put her to sleep. She slipped away quite peacefully. She was ready to go ... I'm just not quite so sure I was ready to let her go. She was all I had ... now she's gone and I feel very alone.

Homesick for Heaven

I picked up the mail from the box and checked through the crap …(that’s usually all it is) things addressed to Jana Jeppson or Janalea Jeppson. I guess they are mine … sometimes I feel like a stranger here …
Have you ever felt like you just don’t belong? I don’t mean for this to sound whiney at all but there are times when I feel like I just don’t belong here. Is that normal ??? Sometimes everything seems so unreal, like you’re in the way wherever you are. The other day, for example, I was feeling incredibly lonely … so I called someone to talk to …after 4 voicemails I was beginning to think that everyone I knew had been invited to a huge party and I had been conveniently left out. One more call, and someone answered, I started talking … it was pleasant conversation but we were interrupted by another call coming in on her call waiting …she never came back. I guess the other caller was more important, (that happens, I get it …it was just poor timing)
So I cried. Sometimes a good hard cry cleanses the soul (Or your sinuses after a couple of ‘blows’)! Everything that was frustrating in my life just floated to the surface … sleep studies gone bad …health issues…my sickly cat…my fat butt …my single life… concerns for things in life that need fixing but that I can’t fix. Anyone who knows me knows that I would actually pay the national debt if I could somehow raise the money and the fact that we have a national debt is somehow my responsibility …I know, I need therapy.

I can’t stop the hate that seems to be growing in the world during these perilous times … I don’t know why I think it’s my job, but it certainly has been a heavy weight on my heart.

I borrowed music and some lyric’s from Taylor Swift and wrote a love song about Ben … when I did it, it was just funny, but now when I hear the song …(Taylor’s version is playing on the radio but my version is playing in my head) I just cry because I miss someone I have never even met before! And what makes it even more pathetic is that Ben is a fictitious character! But I guess he represents someone real within my heart.

While in this over the top emotional state, I prayed … “I know I’m just a boob, Father, but I’m homesick for heaven. I wish I could feel Christ’s arms around me. I need a hug.”

I don’t suppose that my intense longing to be physically close to my Father in Heaven will ever completely leave while I’m here on earth.
I know I need to focus on His light …to feel its warmth and not let the “stuff” around me, and the noisiness of the world get in the way.

Getting homesick for heaven is ok, I suppose. After all, that’s where I came from.

Personal ministry

I have been reading Sheri Dew's newest book, "Saying It Like It Is". She Has got some great quotables in there! Here is one of my favorites:

"Those who think of life as a personal ministry tend to be less lonely, less likely to feel that life has spun out of control, more inclined to have a gentle heart, more filled with purpose. "

I have had moments recently of thinking that my life has spun out of control, so, this quote is very meaningful to me. We all have a personal responsibility to figure out where it is we stand and then stand firm there. "Steadfast and Immoveable" is a phrase from the scriptures that has made me really stop and think about where I am in these perilous times. We live in times that are spinning out of control but we need not be spinning as well! I have a firm testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ! I know that it is my choice to stand firm! I want to be on Gods right hand! I want to be recognized as one who stands with Him! I want to be a builder of His kingdom! There is another quote I just loved:

"Holiness means walking away from the philosophies of man. It means looking to prophets for spiritual counsel, not celebrities or experts, who may be appealing but who all come packing personal motives and an arsenal of half-truths. It is deadly to take counsel from anyone whose primary motive is to build his or her own kingdom."


I was recently listening to a video on youtube and I thought it was deeply profound ...listen ...this is good stuff!

MORE ABOUT MY BEN :o)

OK... I've noticed with this whole facebook thing we are not blogging as often ... I am finding cool people on facebook ... but I mustn't forget my blog! So, I'm sorry I haven't posted for a week... please forgive ... I will be better!

Anyway...

I have been dealing with some stuff lately ... some personal frustrations and health issues and I was reading in my scripture journal last night and found some stuff I actually blogged about last month ... my favorite scripture, 2Nephi 31:20 and I read it ... I LOVE that scripture!!!

2 NEPHI 31:20 — Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

Well anyway, that scripture gives me a great deal of strength when all around me seems out of control or frustrating! I was reading all of the promises in that scripture and listening to my Taylor Swift, Fearless CD, and that song, "Love Story" was playing ( You know, the one about Romeo and Juliet) OK, So I started daydreaming ....you know, thinking about Ben ...
(My eternal companion) and I stole some of Taylor's Lyric making them my own love story song about me and Ben ... It was actually quite fun! If you listen only to the music of Taylor's song but sing my words ... well then you know my love story with Ben!

OK...OK...I'm crazy but I had fun!


Ben And Jana’s Love Story Song
written by Jana Jeppson and her dear friend Taylor Swift

Our love began in the pre-existence.
I close my eyes and can almost see him
standing there in a swirl of heaven’s air.

See the earth, see the mission before us.
then he was born, the first to leave heaven.
we say farewell.

but he made sure I’d know …

That he’d be mine forever
and he would find me,
we didn’t understand dispensations of time
I was watching him leave heaven,
wishing I could leave with him.

And I said,

"You are my Benjamin and someday I will find you.
I'll be waiting until we meet again
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's our love story …an eternal promise!

So I sneak into my dreams to see him.
It’s the only place that I know I can find him.
I close my eyes; escape with him for a little while.
'Cause he is my Benjamin, and I’m his forever,
separated by dispensations of time … he is every dream to me
though I’m waking up, 'Please, don't go,

And I said,

"You are my Benjamin and someday I will find you.
I'll be waiting until we meet again
you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
it's our love story …an eternal promise.”

Benjamin save me; they're tryin' to tell me you’re not real.
This love is difficult, but it's real.
I hear you whisper, “Have faith, Princess!
It's our love story – an eternal promise!”

Oh.

I get tired of waiting,
Wondering if Ben was ever really there.
My faith in him was fading then I met him in my dreams again.

And I said,

"Benjamin save me - I've been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think-

"He reached through veil and promised me again …
he said, "You are mine, Janalea, you'll never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I am your prince, and you are my princess!
It's our love story – an eternal promise!

Oh, oh.

I am waiting here especially for you.”